I know I keep harping on the subject of moving back near my family...so why should
today be any different. Last night, as I was about to hit the sack, my mind wanders over all the
crap that has happened to me in 2004. That's when I realized that the entire time I was home with my
family, I never once thought about all the crap that has happened to me over the last year. The
moment I get home, it all starts suffocating me again. Maybe that moment was the clincher. I already
knew I wanted to move closer to my family but having that sort of clarity was like this bright light.
Now, if only I can find a job...
- 12/29/2004
I'm back from my short break for visiting my family over the holidays. It was
nice to see everyone again. I never realize how much I miss my family until I spend a few days
with them. Of course, these days I already know how much I miss them because I don't particularly
like where I am right now. Nonetheless, it was nice to be home. Now I'm back...and grumbling. I
came back to my apartment, and while I like letting my ferrets run around crazy, I don't particularly
like my rude neighbors. What's funny is that while I was home I thought of all these great rants I
could add to this list, but now I can't think of any of them. Here is my only rant for today...I really
don't like snow. Luckily, it chose to snow here while I was away. I think the reason I don't like snow
is because I don't like being cold or wet, so why would I like being both at the same time? Plus, I can't
drive in the stuff, and neither can most of society (although most people think they can).
- 12/28/2004
Why is it that humans are the only animals who form attachments to people other
than their mates? Maybe it has to do with our highly developed brain. Maybe there are other
animals that form attachments. But it seems like humans will place their self-worth at how many
friends they have or people they have an impact on. I, myself, do not have very many friends.
I could probably count them on one hand. I also am single, so I do not really have a romantic
connection to a particular mate. But I am no different from other humans. I too crave attention
from people I would want to befriend. Right now, I'm a bit of a hermit, so there is no one from
which I'm really craving attention. I think it has to do with the fact that I still have this
knife wound in my back from so many different people treating me so badly over the last few years.
That's my big downfall...I'm really trusting to the point of being naive. I take people at their
word, and when they prove to be heartless and two-faced, it really hurts me. I've been
reading a lot lately, and there is a line in a book that really got me thinking about all
the wrongs done to me. I can't quote it directly from memory, but it was something to the extent
of "Take back the knife, but the wound is still there" (in regards to someone saying they take back
an insult they just gave). I find that statement to be very true. There are people that will
hurt you in life and beg forgiveness. While you may be able to forgive, that wound will still
be there to remind you of the hurt. Currently, I'm sporting lots and lots of wounds, so I know
it will be a while before I can fully trust someone's good intentions. It's terrible that people
exist that can instill cynicism in the naive. But that's how I am right now. Maybe I'll learn a
lesson from all this BS...maybe I'll learn not to be so trusting so quickly of others. That's
a hard thing for me because I really want to believe that people are ultimately good.
-12/21/2004
I love The Wizard of Oz. Last night, I watched it because it was on TV.
Since I'm in the midst of home sickness and wanting to be with my family, the words "There's
no place like home" has never rang truer. I'm hoping that someday I'll be able to move back
closer with my family, but it doesn't look like that will happen any time soon. Guess I just miss
my mommy. It's hard to live in a place when you've lost touch with everyone you used to know and
care about (but don't anymore).
- 12/20/2004
Whenever I go to training sessions, I always feel zapped for the rest of the day.
It's like my brain decides that it can't take that much information at one time. So I become
a zombie for the rest of the day. That's what I feel like today. I had to go to a 2 hour training
session with some co-workers, and although I was one of the speakers, I'm still zonked from sitting
there. Maybe it's just because I'm ready for a little R&R. I'm looking forward to spending the
holidays resting, reading, and rejuvenating (kinda stretched it there looking for another "R" verb).
- 12/16/2004
Once again, a rant about the bus. You're probably thinking it's about time to
find alternate means to work. Well, this isn't a major rant, but I don't have anything else to
rant about today. Well, here's the thing, I ride the bus from one of those "Park and Ride" lots,
so there are usually a lot of people who are riding too. Well, this morning was really frigid, but
regardless, I still went to stand in line at the bus stop, teeth chattering and everything. Well,
when the bus comes, all these people dash from their warm cars to get on the bus. I don't really
care about this, but some of these people dashed to the front of the line. Now, I know I've been
guilty of doing this myself, but when I've done it, I just wait for all the people who were in line
to get on the bus, and normally a good samaritan will allow me to get on in front of him/her. Well,
I wasn't feeling like a good samaritan today because I was cold and I had stood out in the cold for
the bus instead of hunkering in my warm car. So, when I was getting on the bus, this woman who had
skipped to the front of the line lurched like she was going to elbow her way in front of me. I wasn't
having any of that. I deserved to be on the warm bus before her, so I was rude and didn't let her
in front of me. But it was rude of her to assume she could just pass all the poor people who had been
waited in the cold.
- 12/15/2004
Here is the information for the January Triangle Friends book club meeting. If you would
like to read this book and/or attend the lunch discussion, please email me so we will know how many to expect.
My email address is posted at the bottom of this page.
Date: January 8
Time: 12pm
Place: Udipi Cafe in Cary
Book: BITTEN by Kelley Armstrong
For information about this book,
click here.
For restaurant information,
click here.
Additionally, the February book club meeting is as follows:
Date: February 12
Time: 12pm
Place: TBA
Book: CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC by Sophie Kinsella
For information about this book,
click here.
- 12/14/2004
I wish I had the energy of a ferret. On days like today, that would be nice.
I know my ferret Roly is the most energetic creature I've ever seen. When his brother and sisters
are curled up sleeping, Roly is still cavorting around, making me play with him. Do they make
sedatives for ferrets? Anyway, today I'm struggling to make it through my 8 hours here at work,
and I know I have to go grocery shopping after work. Oh horrors! Why didn't I just go yesterday
when I still had a little bit of energy? Because I would rather wait until Monday afternoon/evening
when I know I'll be feeling like crap. Oh well...what must be done must be done. Maybe I'll just
go to bed really early. If only my new TV schedule permitted that.
- 12/13/2004
Don't you just hate it when you're lying in bed and you can't get to sleep?
Well, last night, that happened to me. I was so excited about getting to bed early, that
I jumped under the covers around 8pm with my novel. I read for a little while until I
thought I was sufficiently sleepy. Then I switched off the light and lay there for a while.
And the longer I lay there without sleep, the more my thoughts switched over to those
bitter memories that I would rather forget. So, finally I figured it was useless, and I
got up to watch mindless TV for a while. I don't really want to start taking sleeping pills,
so I don't keep any around. But on nights like last night, it would have been nice to have
the extra help.
-12/10/2004
I've been having some really strange dreams of late. I don't know what to make of
them. Most of them have been about men...what a shock, the perpetual flirt is dreaming about
men. Well, I had a dream the other night that I got back together with my ex-boyfriend. I
guess that was more of a nightmare. I won't mention names in case anyone who knows him happens
to read my rants, but this guy was such a...how can I phrase this delicately...mooch. Now,
I'm not usually this harsh on people, and I can only blame myself for sticking around with him
for so long. However, I have a problem with someone trying to live off another person when that
person cannot afford it and did not agree to it. But anyway, the main point of this rant is that
I can't believe I had a dream that I was back with him. I woke up utterly scared and then relieved
that I was alone in the cesspool where I currently live.
- 12/9/2004
Ok, I'm going to rant about taking the bus. Just bear with me. I really
believe that public transportation is a good idea. It's economical, it's environmental, and
it gives me the opportunity to read instead of worrying about traffic. Well, ok, I must
confess...I don't actually take the bus from home to work and back. But I park in one of those
"Park and Ride" lots, so I do take the bus from my parking lot to the library. Here is my
rant about buses. I don't mind having to stand if a bus is completely full. But the
problem is that I'm not the most balanced person. Ok, let's face it...I'm clumsy. I have
a really hard time keeping my balance while standing on the bus. This isn't what bothers me.
What bothers me is that many of the bus drivers aren't really concerned about being careful
when there are passengers who must stand. They will speed along and stop quickly at red
lights, or they will take curves at speeds that usually cause me to grip the stand-bar until
my hand muscles hurt. Maybe I'm the only person with this issue of balance, but I really
wish the drivers would be a little more considerate of the people who are standing and at the
mercy of their wreckless manuevers. I'll save the bus driver and cell phone use rant for
another day.
- 12/7/2004
Christmas. I know it is now a taboo word. Why? I don't get it. Why are so many non-religious
people getting bent out of shape over the fact that people want to celebrate and wish each other a "Merry Christmas"?
I don't understand how you can be offended by this. It's not like someone knows your religious affiliation just by
looking at you. Yes, of course we can politically correct it by saying "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays", but
there are some people who are even offended by that. Why...because you don't consider it a holiday? I guess the
better question is if you even partake in the gift exchange of Christmas, what exactly do you think you are celebrating?
I was taught that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus Christ's birthday and the gift exchange is symbolic of the gifts
the Wise Men bestowed upon him. But hey, that's my religious upbringing talking. It just frosts my cookie that so many
people are trying to ruin religion for the rest of us. Actually, it seems like it's so few people that are doing it but
being very vocal about it. I mean it offends me that you are trying to take away my beliefs, but I'm not going up to
City Hall everytime you try to de-religize (I made a word) this country. So, Merry Christmas to all, and I don't
really care if you are offended by that.
- 12/3/2004
I hate travelling on I-40. I suppose you're wondering why I don't just take another route rather
than complain about it. Well, sometimes I do. But most mornings I hit the road by 6:30am, so I-40 really isn't that
bad. If it's not so bad, why am I complaining? Well, there are still those jerks who see that you need to merge
into traffic before your lane ends but will refuse to let you in. But I think I've gotten my commuting routine
resolved to a way that saves the most time both ways. Since I leave so early to go to work, I take I-40. When I
head home, I take Hwy. 64. If I oversleep, I'll take Hwy. 64 in the mornings. Hopefully, it will never become
as heavily populated as I-40.
- 12/2/2004
I've really gotta learn to keep my anger in check. It's going to end up getting me in lots of trouble
if I don't watch myself. Usually, when I blow off steam I immediately regret it. It's usually to someone who will
take offense at or become irritated by what I say because I have no censor button on my mouth when my temper's up.
The taste of my sneaker is getting more and more prominent in my mouth. Now, I don't think I should just bottle up my
anger. I've never been like that. But I've gotta think of more productive ways of expressing it (besides to other
people). Maybe I should just type some mantra over and over again until the moment passes. Now I just have think of
the phrase. How can I become a calmer person in general? Any suggestions are welcome. My feathers ruffle way too
easily.
- 12/1/2004
